Hold Onto Hope
by secretdreamerhere
Summary: When Emma Swan and Killian Jones lose their baby less than 3 months before their child was due to greet the world, it seems impossible for life to go on. The only thing that may get them through this tragedy is their love for each other, and their family. And the light that is their young daughter, Hope. (Set in 'Only A Matter Of Time' universe, but can be read alone.)
1. Chapter 1

Emma had heard that pregnancy got worse the older you got. However she'd always thought that this applied to geriatric mothers, women at least over forty. Sadly she seemed sorely mistaken.

The first time she got pregnant she was a young 17 year old. Taking away the emotional aspects of the experience; being abandoned in prison, she had a relatively easy pregnancy. The physical affects were slim to none, her body coping better than average. She wished she'd taken the time to enjoy it; instead of just regretting her, and her child's, very existence. Her labour with Henry was blessedly quick.

The second time she got pregnant she was 30 years old. Her support network had grown significantly. Being surrounded by her loved ones, especially the father of her child, allowed her to actually enjoy the life changing time. However she did feel more tired than before. And she was sure those people, who cared so much about her, probably got the backlash of her raging hormones. Her labour with Hope was, how'd you say, eventful. In the end she got to hold her new-born baby, admittedly not straight away, but she still got to indulge in that new baby smell. Best of all; she got to bring her baby home with her, care for her and raise her.

The third time she got pregnant she was 34 years old. It was the first time that she had actually planned to have a child. It was a big decision to make, a long time in the discussion stage. After the emotional strain of her first pregnancy topped with the physical difficulties with her second labour, Emma felt like the third time could be testing fate. Her husband was understanding to a fault, letting her address her issues in her own time. Once they were both happy with adding to their family, it couldn't happen soon enough for them. Storybrooke was peaceful enough to allow the Jones' to bask in their blissful glow of a new happy beginning. That is, until it got tugged out right from under them 6 months later.

Emma had been experiencing certain twinges in her abdomen since she woke that morning. She'd laid in bed slightly longer than usual, sshing her unborn child in an attempt to soothe its apparent distress. Her efforts did seem to take some affect as the twinges became less painful, just slightly irritating. Hearing Killian pottering about downstairs made her jump into action. She didn't want him worrying and fussing over her, not when she was sure that it was nothing. So she got herself up, slowly so as not to disturb her baby more than necessary.

"Mommy, can I have pancakes? Daddy say it up to you..." A sweet voice rang through the spray of shower water. Emma felt a warmth flood through her at her toddler's obvious pleading tone.

"It's fine with me." Emma called back as she washed the last of her conditioner out of her hair.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." Hope's voice got progressively quiet as she ran excitedly out of her parents room. Emma shook her head as she rubbed her swollen stomach, the warm water seeming to do her a world of good. She got dressed for her shift at the station before making her way down to her family.

"Alright love?" Killian asked from his seat at the kitchen table. Hope looked up at her mother's entrance, giving her a big syrup-covered smile.

Emma merely hummed in reply as she took the chair next to her daughter. Killian gave a sceptical eyebrow at her non-committal of an answer.

"I am, promise." Emma took a hold of her husband's hand, earning her a smile in response. She could tell that he wasn't whole convinced. Mercifully he let it go and went back to listening to their little girl's constant chatter.

After easting their breakfast they all left the house together. Emma watched her husband and daughter walking hand in hand down the street. Then she got in her car and drove off on her day, trying to ignore her sense of foreboding.

Emma felt uncomfortable all morning. The twinges started to return around 11, becoming slightly painful again within minutes. Sighing, she gave in and called Dr Whale. He heard her explanation of her symptoms and, after asking a few routine questions, told her that it shouldn't be anything to worry about. He arranged for her to have an appointment the following morning. Until then she was to go home and get some rest, no objections. Emma reluctantly agreed. So when David came to cover her lunch break, she asked if he could start a little earlier to include the end of her shift.

"Of course I will, Emma. Are you alright?" David's voice was laced with worry, as his daughter wasn't one to admit that she wasn't well easily.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just the baby giving me a hard time that's all. Before you say anything, I rang Dr Whale and he said this is a precaution. I've got an appointment tomorrow." Emma placated her father enough to allow her to drive herself home without calling Killian. When she got home she went upstairs and lay down; making good use of the TV they'd recently installed.

#

"Swan?" Killian's voice woke her from her impromptu nap and she snapped her eyes open. Killian had concern etched into his features as he regarded his pregnant wife.

"Killian?" Emma shook her head to rid herself of the sleep fog. "What time is it?"

"Gone 3, we just got back. Are you alright? Your father texted to let me know that you went home." Emma tried to refrain from rolling her eyes; of course he did. "I'm sorry I didn't see it till I left to get Hope, it's been a bit manic today. How are you feeling, love?" Emma went to sit up, with Killian's hand coming to aid her in the simple act. After retelling practically word for word what she had told her father, Killian agreed to let her rest. Not before making sure that she would call him if she needed anything.

Emma let the TV drone on through some repeat of the Real Housewives, which she would never admit to actually getting invested in. Not long after Killian left, a little head of blonde curls bounced into the room. Emma barely registered the newcomer before she was face to face with a pair of huge blue eyes.

"Hi Mommy." The girl placed her hands gently on her mother's cheeks.

"Hey sweetie." Emma pulled her girl into a hug, feeling the child relax against her. They snuggled in silence for a moment, which was unusual for Hope Swan-Jones. She felt a small sigh against her chest. "Everything ok, there?" Her child just snuggled into her chest further. She started carding her fingers through her daughter's hair. "Hope, remember how I say you can tell Mommy anything."

"Daddy say you're not well." The little whisper reached her ears and Emma turned off the TV.

"Oh I'll be ok, sweetie, don't worry." She lifted the little girl's face seeing tears shine in the blue orbs.

"Is it the baby?" The girl looked at the blonde's stomach wearily. "The baby making you sick."

"Sweetie, the baby doesn't mean it. It's just something that happens while the baby's getting ready." Emma wiped away the tear that escaped down her daughter's cheek. "I promise you, I'll be alright." The girl seemed to accept this and returned to the chatty toddler Emma was used to. As Hope started to recall her tales from her day at Glass Slippers, Ashely's Day-care and Nursery centre, Emma allowed herself this moment of peace. She quickly realised that the painful twinges had increased both in occurrence and intensity. Focusing on keeping her breathing steady, she subtly rubbed her abdomen. Tears blurred her vision as the pain didn't let up. She didn't mean to but she let out a pained gasp as a sharp stabbing ripped through her. Hope looked up with scared wide eyes.

"Mommy?" Emma's heart broke at the frightened note of her daughter's voice.

"Hope." She breathed through the pain. "Can you-" a sob broke out, causing tears to fall from both girl's eyes. "-get Daddy for Mommy."

"I won't leave Mommy." Hope sniffed defiantly.

"Please." Emma bent double at another stab of pain. She was sobbing uncontrollably now. "Please sweetie."

"OK, Mommy. I going." The little girl ran down the stairs as fast as her legs would carry her. The downstairs area was completely empty and Hope started to cry in earnest. "Daddy? DADDY!"

Killian was out the back in the shed, using cleaning as an outlet for his emotions. He was scrubbing down his workstation when he heard a high pitched sound from outside. Wiping his brow, the pirate made his way out of the shed. He stood in his backyard for a few still silent moments. Suddenly a distressed cry reached his ears. Breaking into a run towards the house, his heart began to pound.

"DADDY?!" Hope turned towards the back door when it opened. She ran full pelt towards her father, colliding into his legs.

"What is it? Are you hurt?" Killian picked up his daughter in his arms, heart in his mouth, as he checked her over for injuries.

"M-mo-mommy" The little girl choked out the word in a way that made Killian's blood run cold. Clutching her to his chest he took the stairs two at a time.

"Emma?" Killian entered their room to find his wife doubled over in agony. He could feel Hope shaking in his arms.

"Killian?" Emma looked up at her husband and their child. "It hurts. Please..." Killian put Hope on the bed so he could get his phone out. He rang for an ambulance; something he'd never had to do before, something he'd wished he'd never have to do. He tried to keep calm as he talked to the paramedics, for everyone's sake. "They're on their way Emma." He kept the connection going like he had been told, putting it on speaker phone to free his hand. Killian pulled Hope to him in an attempt to calm his child.

"Killian… get her out… I-I don't want her… to see…" Emma gasped out between sobs. The little girl clasped her father tighter at her mother's words.

"I don't think she's going to leave you, love." Killian laid his head on the mess of blonde curls, breathing in his daughter. He shifted the girl in his arms so that he could reach for Emma's phone. With a bit of difficulty he managed to dial the number he was looking for. The recipient picked up after the first ring.

" _Killian?_ "

"Dave, listen I've had to call an ambulance for Emma." Killian felt hot tears slip down his cheeks.

" _What? What happened? Christ-_ " Killian could hear commotion on the other end and assumed that the prince was already on his way.

"Look I'm going to go with her, but Hope's here so I was wondering if you-" Killian's heart was breaking for his family; Emma, their unborn child, Hope. The little shaking toddler in his lap was the only one that he felt any power to help.

" _I'm on my way._ " David sounded out of breath as he hung up the phone. Killian lifted Hope's face in his hand, fresh tears appearing at the level of anguish he saw there. He was ready to explain to her what was going to happen when the doorbell rang. He cradled Hope to him as he ran to let the paramedics in.

"She's upstairs." He breathed as they rushed past him. "Please help her."

"We'll do our best, sir." The woman shouted as they disappeared out of the sight. Killian took a moment in the quiet of the downstairs, taking comfort from having one child safe in his arms. He caught sight of David running up the porch steps.

"Hook?" David stopped at the sight of his son-in-law and granddaughter.

"David, I…" Killian was suddenly lost for words, his emotions blocking them in his throat.

"Got to her." The prince reached out to take the girl into his arms. She shook her head clenching her fists tightly into the lapels of her father's jacket.

"Please, little love, I need you to be brave for Daddy." Hope raised her eyes to look into his, loosening her hold ever so slightly. "Mommy needs me to go with her. We need to know you're safe. Grandad will take care of you, just like I'll take care of Mommy and the baby."

"Promise?" A small hand came up to lay on Killian's scruff. The sweet gesture almost brought him to his knees.

"I promise, princess." Killian swiped the blonde curls out of the way so that he could lay a kiss to her forehead. He knew it was a promise he honestly couldn't make, but he was going to try with everything he had. Reluctantly the young girl allowed her Grandad to take her away from her father, just as the paramedics arrived at the top of the stairs with Emma between them. "Emma?" He ran to meet her, noticing the blood that stained her jeans.

"Killian." Emma breathed weakly, breaking from the strangers' holds to fall into her husband's. The medics explained that they needed to take her to the hospital. At Emma's request for him to assist her, Killian scooped Emma into his arms and carried her down the stairs.

"Mommy? MOMMY!" Hope struggled to get free of her Grandad's hold, but was held tightly to him.

"Sweetie. I'll see… you soon…" Emma sobbed at her daughter's cries. She wanted nothing more than to hold her in her arms, to take away the pain this was causing her. At that Killian took her down to the ambulance and they drove away in a flurry of flashing lights. The loud siren made Hope clasp her hands over her ears.

#

Emma had been given something for the pain at the house, so by the time she was in a hospital bed it had kicked in. That just allowed for the emotional pain to hit her full force. She cried for her children. She cried for her child yet to be born, who now might never be. She cried for her child that she had left at home, unable to soothe her tears. She cried for her child that she gave up, who had grown up without her. Killian held her hand tight in his, not wanting to let her go for a second. His left arm rested across her stomach, in an attempt to keep them both from what could happen.

Tests were run. Results were collected. An ultrasound was conducted. And when the doctor finally told them that there was nothing anyone could do, the parents wept for the child they would never know.

The surgery was arranged mercifully quickly. Killian refused to let go of his wife's hand until it was absolutely necessary, walking with them to the operating room. Once there he had to be asked several times before he released his grip.

"Killian. Please. I don't want to do this." Emma's broken plea forces a sobbing gasp from Killian. He crouches down next to her, sweeping her sweaty hair from her forehead.

"Emma. We have to. I'm… I'm so sorry." Killian brings their joined hands to his lips, laying kisses to her hand. "You're so strong. You can do this." He clasped her hand tightly, as if willing his strength into her. "It'll all be over soon."

"I don't want it to be over." Emma cried out, as the surgeon came to join them. "I want my… want our… b-baby."

"We're ready for you, now, Emma. We're just waiting for the anaesthetist and then-" The surgeon had a solemn air about him; he was able to feel the couple's heartbreak radiating off of them.

"No." Emma shook her head violently. "I want to feel it. I want to remember it."

"Swan-"

"Mrs Jones-"

"The painkillers I'm on will be enough." Emma turned to Killian, using the last bit of fire she had in her to get this. This small bit of control over this seemingly senseless trauma. "I'll be… I'll…" She struggled to find the right word. Cause she wouldn't be ok. She wasn't sure if she'd ever be ok again. But she would survive.

"Alright." Killian sighed seeing the determination in his wife's eyes. It was fainter than usual, but it was there.

"You can go in with her, if you want to." The nurse told Killian after having a word with the doctor. The couple felt like they had been thrown some sort of lifeline. Killian let go of his wife's hand just long enough for him to get scrubbed up. Then they went into the theatre, towards the toughest experience of their life.

Emma refused to let go of Killian's hand as her body was racked with sobs. She felt no physical pain, her body felt numb. It was like an out of body experience. Like this was happening to someone else. Or it was just an awful dream. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself to wake up. To wake up to her beautiful daughter shaking her awake, to her baby kicking her to get her attention, to her husband kissing her sweetly on the lips. She allowed these images to wash over her, even allowing a small part of her to believe that maybe it could be true. Then she opened her eyes to see her true love staring at her with a mixture of worry and anguish.

The surgery went without any further complications and, before either of them were ready, the nurse was holding their baby in her arms. "Would you like to hold her?"

Emma knew that the only thing worse than holding her dead child, was not holding them. She nodded her head as she held out her arms as best she could.

"Her?" Killian croaked out, only now registering the woman's words. The nurse nodded in confirmation as she handed the child, wrapped in a blanket, over to her mother. The infant was tiny, even smaller than Hope had been when she entered the world.

"Hey baby girl." Emma sobbed as she used her hand to stroke the baby's fingers. She was so small that the blonde worried about hurting her. Her heart shattered even more when she realised that that wasn't possible. So much so that she didn't ever think the shards could be put back together again.

"She's perfect." Killian breathed as he raised his finger to the baby's cheek.

"I can't let her go." Emma cried as she rested her head on her husband's shoulder. If she kept holding her, cradling her against her, then maybe they wouldn't have to face reality. That this was the first, the last, the only time she would get to hold her daughter.

"I'm so sorry." Killian wept into his wife's hair, keeping contact with the tiny little girl. Neither knew how long they stayed like that for, letting their love and grief for their child flow between them. After some time, Emma handed the lifeless child back to the nurse. She requested to get discharged as soon as possible. Killian stood by her. They understood it was against the doctor's recommendations, but they needed to leave the hospital. They needed to go home.

While the nurses got Emma ready to leave, Killian stepped outside to ring her father. That was when he allowed himself to completely break down. Waves of grief cascaded through him as the events of the past few hours caught up with him. After allowing himself those few minutes he once again pushed his emotions as below the surface as they'd go; which wasn't as far as he would have wanted. David picked up straight away, worry with a hint of hope to his tone. Killian explained what had happened in as few words as possible. The conversation was short, which suited both of the men. The pirate then rushed to re-join his wife.

"Your father's on his way." Killian clutched his wife's hand as he sat beside her bed. Emma barely registered his presence, he was unsure whether she'd heard him at all. She was staring at the bag of her clothes that the nurse had brought in. Killian followed her gaze, his heart clenching at the spots of blood visible. He was thankful that David had offered to bring a change of clothes.

David arrived swiftly, a stoic expression on his face as he took in his son-in-law. The sight of his daughter lying on the hospital bed broke his resolve. The prince closed his eyes against the onslaught of tears, knowing that they needed him to be strong for them. Killian helped Emma change and walked out of the room. David rushed to his daughter's side, supporting her other arm.

"Dad?" Emma seemed to only then notice her father's presence.

"I'm here, Princess." David's voice was thick with emotion as they walked towards his truck.

"But... but Hope...?" Emma stopped in her tracks and stared at the men with wide eyes. She needed to know that one of her babies was safe.

"Is with your mother. We took her to the house. We'll have her tonight." He grasped his daughter's shoulders.

"Thank you." Emma's voice barely made it to a whisper. David shook his head as he pulled her into a hug, cradling the back of her head as it rested on his shoulder. The drive home was in complete silence. They all felt numb, unable to process the tragedy yet.

Killian walked Emma into the house slowly, watching her pained movements. They made their way to the downstairs guest room, an unspoken feeling that neither of them wanted to return to the bedroom. Killian resolved to clean up the room before Emma woke in the morning. She crawled into bed straight away, hugging a pillow to her chest. Killian was unsure of how to help her so he got himself ready for bed. He caught sight of himself in the mirror. He looked more drained than he had ever seen himself in over 200 years of life.

Killian splashed water in his face before returning to his wife. She tucked up against him as soon as he was under the covers. He ssshed her cries as she grasped to him as if her life depended on it. Blessedly the sheer tiredness took over Emma quickly and she was claimed by sleep. Killian continued to cradle her against him, as he gently wept for the child that would never get the chance to live.


	2. Chapter 2

The sun rose to alert Killian to the morning. He stared at Emma's sleeping form for a few more moments, taking in the tension of her body even now. He was careful not to wake her as he extricated himself from her arms. Standing in the shower he let the water wash over him. He felt a deep sadness at the loss that they had experienced. He closed his eyes and saw Emma holding their new baby. Another girl for him to cherish.

He didn't know how he was going to get through the day. Even taking a shower was requiring so much effort, so much energy that he didn't have. He did know that, above all else, he had to be there for his family. For his family that were still here. For Emma who had physical recoveries to make on top of the emotional turmoil. He let his tears mix with the water from the shower, watching silently as they fell. His head felt scrambled. Like there were too many thoughts and he couldn't choose one to focus on. He stood there until the water began to turn cold.

After exiting the shower he checked in on Emma. She was still asleep. Her eyelids were flickering, a tell-tale sign that she was having a dream. Killian hoped it was a good one, although he doubted it.

He went up to their room to get changed for the day. He didn't really put much into deciding what to wear; grabbing the first shirt and pair of jeans he could find. Taking a moment of composure, Killian turned towards their bed. His eyes flickered over the stains caused by the day before. His stomach rolling, he made quick work of stripping the bed. He remade it with fresh linens, although he was unsure whether Emma would want to return to the room that soon.

After putting the dirty sheets in the wash, he got himself some water. The house seemed so quiet, so empty. A sudden need overcame him. A need for a child to hold. He glanced at the clock and decided that the Charming's would probably be awake. Neither Neal nor Hope were late sleepers, and they liked to make their presence known from the moment they woke. Although, after what Hope had witnessed, Killian was unsure what state his daughter would be in this morning. This worry made him even more determined to get to his little girl.

Killian caught sight of Emma when he entered their bedroom. She was still laid in the curled position he'd left her in, but her eyes were open.

"Emma." He bent down next to her, caressing her cheek with his hand. "How are you feeling, love?" He knew it was a ridiculous question to ask and an impossible one to answer. However the glazed look in her eyes was worrying him. Emma tried to focus her eyes on her husband. Trying to find a way to answer him, to talk to him.

"Killian." Emma's voice was hoarse from the crying. A few tears slipped out as she reached out to hold his hand against her cheek. "Did I... did it...?"

"Yes. It happened." Killian wiped away her tears.

"Our baby... our girl." Emma's tone was bleak as she stared at her pirate. He could tell that she wasn't really seeing him. She was seeing the body of their perfect new baby. The one they'd probably never see again.

"I was thinking of getting Hope from your parents." Killian spoke slowly in an attempt to get through to her. It took a moment for his wife to focus her eyes on him.

"Hope..." Emma let out a sob at the last time she saw her girl. Her toddler's pained face fresh in her mind. "I can't...I don't..." She was torn between a strong desire to have a child in her arms, and not wanting to upset her. "She shouldn't have to see me like this. She's been through enough."

"Emma what happened was...is horrible. We need to be together through this. As a family." Killian brushed his lips against Emma's forehead. He went to straighten up, but Emma's grip on his hand tightened. Her lip was trembling as he looked down at her. "Love?"

"Don't… I can't…" Emma bit her lip as she tried not to sound too desperate. In reality she was. She was desperate not to be left alone. As she struggled with her vulnerability, a look of understanding crossed her husband's face.

"Why don't I call them? See if one of them could bring her here?" A light appeared in Emma's eyes, however briefly, at his suggestion.

A quick call to Snow ensured that she would be bringing Hope over straight away.

They waited for their daughter in silence. The only words that passed between them was when Killian helped Emma to the bathroom. He washed her face for her and helped her change into fresh clothes. It was a slow process. After which Emma returned to the comfort of the bed.

"Can I get you anything?" Killian wanted to assist her, knowing that he couldn't truly understand what she was going through. They'd both lost a child, yes. And they could grieve together. But this child had grown inside of her, been a part of her.

"Water, please..." Emma was feeling drowsy. The temptation of losing herself to sleep was winning.

"Alright, love. I'll just be a minute." He used his hook to tuck some stray hairs behind her ear.

He was heading back to his wife with her drink when he heard a key in the front door. Placing the water on the kitchen table, he prepared for what was to come.

"DADDY!" Hope pushed past her grandmother to throw herself at her father. He took the toddler into his arms.

"Hi little love." Killian willed his tears back for the sake of his daughter.

"Miss you." The little girl threw her arms around his neck, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"Missed you more." The pirate stroked her blonde curls. He saw her blue eyes go wide as she searched for her mother. This was their thing. They'd say those two lines and then Emma would add "Missed you most".

"Where's Mommy?" Hope cast her eyes down to where her hands played with her father's necklaces.

"She's here, Princess. She's resting." Killian cast a glance at Snow who stood watching the scene.

"She ok? Is the baby hurting her?" The girl's fear was evident in her voice.

"No...she..." He knew he was going to have to tell his daughter. She was inquisitive, curious by nature. Snow gave him an encouraging nod as tears came to her eyes. "Snow, could you...um...take that water to Emma?"

"I take it to Mommy." Hope perked up at the possibility of seeing her mom.

"You can see her soon, Princess, Daddy just wants to talk to you." Killian forced a smile in place when his girl looked up at him.

"I'll let her know you're here, sweetie." Snow rubbed her granddaughter's back as she passed.

"Thank you." Killian conveyed his genuine thanks to his mother-in-law. The royal squeezed his arm in support before going to see her daughter. The pirate walked over to the couch, sitting Hope in his lap.

"What it Daddy?" Two small hands began tracing the scruff on his jaw.

"It's um..." Killian had no idea how to break this news to a 3 year old, who didn't truly understand birth or death yet. This was a test of him as a father. "Hope, you know what happened yesterday. When the ambulance had to take Mommy to the hospital to care for her and the... the baby?"

"And you." She nodded. "You take care of them too." Killian didn't know he was crying, until the tears slipped down onto his daughter's hands. The sight of her father crying, plus a longing for her mom, made water build up in Hope's eyes.

"Aye, lass. Well the baby had problems. And so she couldn't be inside Mommy anymore..." He was trying to take this slow, gauging the child's reaction. To be honest, talking about the tragedy like this was taking its toll on him.

"But Mommy say..." The girl gasped with wide eyes. "She say the baby needed to be in her."

"That's true." Killian held his precious daughter a little tighter with an arm across her back. "Sadly the baby couldn't live on her own... but also couldn't live in Mommy anymore." Hope seemed to consider her father's words.

"Baby went to heaven." This seemed more like a statement than a question, but Killian nodded anyway. He was never sure on his views on heaven or any afterlife, neither was Emma, until their trip to the underworld. Heaven was the easiest way to explain the 'better place'; where they'd helped so many move onto.

"That she did." Seeing tears slip from his little girl's eyes wounded his already battered heart. He brought his hand up to wipe away the liquid from her cheeks. "It was a baby girl."

"Like me." Hope whispered the thought, like she did when she didn't entirely mean to say it out loud. Killian bit the inside of his cheek to keep from breaking down completely. "I wanted a girl."

"I know you did, little love." He gave her a sad smile. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sad." The sweet reply actually warmed Killian's heart in a way he hadn't thought was possible. "Is you and Mommy sad?"

"Yes, lass, we're very sad." The little girl started to cry again, but Killian rested a finger to her lips. "You being here though, is already making me feel better."

"Can I go see Mommy? Make her feel better too." Hope was already squirming off of her father's lap. Once standing, she still waited for his permission. Killian stood and took her little hand in his, leading her towards the guest bedroom.

#

Snow entered the room to find her daughter curled up in bed, hugging a pillow to her chest. She could hear muffled sobs as she made her way to sit on the bed.

"Oh, Emma." The tears finally fell when Snow began to stroke the blonde's hair.

"Mom?" Emma lowered the pillow so that she could see her mother's face. Her mom looked tired, a sadness to her eyes the likes Emma hadn't seen. She could only imagine what she herself looked like right now. Not that she cared. "Where's Hope?"

"She's here. Killian's talking to her… about…" Snow trailed off, knowing that she didn't need or want to finish her sentence. Emma felt a rush of relief at the fact that she didn't have to be the one to explain to her daughter. This was quickly overcome by guilt that Killian was doing it alone.

"I need to go. I should be there-" Emma struggled to prop herself up. She didn't get far before a shot of pain forced her to lie back down.

"Sweetheart, you don't have to do anything." Snow cupped her face in an attempt to soothe her daughter. "Except look after yourself. Allow yourself the time to heal and grieve."

"I don't know how." Emma's cries broke Snow's heart. She adjusted her positioning so that the blonde could lay her head on her mother's lap. "I don't know where to start."

"Start with getting your strength." Snow reached for the glass of water and handed it to Emma. She only took a few sips, but it was something. After placing the water back on the table, Snow began to softly hum a calming tune while her fingers returned to the blonde waves.

A few moments later, Killian arrived in the doorway. He was glad to see Emma taking comfort from her mother's embrace. He raised a questioning eyebrow to Snow, asking if this was a good time to bring Hope in. At the woman's nod, he stepped aside.

"Mommy?" Hope kept her hand firmly in her father's, which surprised him. The little girl had been adamant to see her mom since she arrived and, now she was, she seemed to have gone in on herself.

"Sweetie?" Emma began to raise herself, with her mother's assistance, into a more upright position. Once her upper half was propped up on some pillows, Emma opened her arms. She was ignoring the pain, but Killian noted his wife's winces and the fresh tears in her eyes. Nevertheless, he walked his daughter to the bed. Noticing that she was still hesitant to let him go, Killian crouched down in front of his daughter.

"What is it, little love?" He asked softly, using his hook under her chin to raise her gaze.

"I don't want to…" Hope trailed off as she started to cry again. Emma squeezed her eyes closed at the comment. This hurt her. She had wanted to hold her child since she had to leave her behind the day before. The little girl leant forward and whispered in her father's ear. "Don't want to hurt Mommy."

"Oh, princess, you won't. I promise." Killian pulled back to look into his daughter's eyes. "Remember what I said, about you making me better." The little girl nodded her head. "And what did you say?"

"That I want to make Mommy better." A small smile graced the child's lips as she turned and crawled into her mother's arms. Emma's eyes shot open at the feel of the soft curls under her chin. "Hi, Mommy." The girl embraced her mom with such a gentle touch, admirable for a child of that age.

"Hi, baby." That dim light that Killian had glimpsed earlier was back in his wife's eyes. With a shared glance, he and Snow left their girls to their moment. Emma held her daughter against her chest, replicating her mother's actions through Hope's hair. She could feel tears wetting her t-shirt, as her own tears fell into the blonde curls. The comfort she took from having one of her children in her arms was even more than she imagined.

"Daddy told me." Hope spoke into her chest as the tears became less frequent.

"I know, sweetie." Emma clutched her daughter just that bit tighter. "Do you want to talk about it?" She ceased her movements through her hair as Hope lifted her head.

"It make me sad." The girl's bottom lip began to tremble once more. "Daddy say you very sad." Her hands start to twist the ends of her mother's long hair.

"We are, baby." Her toddler's innocence was helping her to heal better than any medicine or rest.

"Make me more sad." Hope pressed her face into the crook of Emma's neck. She inhaled deeply, using her mother's scent to calm her. Emma carded her fingers through her little blonde curls. "You say you'll be ok." The girl's tone held an air of stroppiness, but she continued to cuddle her mom.

"Oh, sweetie." Emma pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I…I will be." She didn't believe it, not really. She didn't see how that would be possible. But she knew her daughter needed her to be. She would need her to be her mother. And be damned if she was going to let her baby down. Hope nuzzled deeper into her neck. Emma began to rub her back in soothing circles. Before long, soft mumbles came from the child; alerting her mother that she was asleep. She watched the girl's sleeping form, the rise and fall of her body with every breath. Waves of sadness hit her that she would never get to experience this with her other baby girl. Emma started to sob silently as she gently rocked her child back and forth.

#

Killian sat stoically at the kitchen table as Snow pottered around making them a warm drink. He was at a loss for what to do now. Ever since he'd gotten up he'd gone through a list in his head. Have a shower. Check on Emma. Go get Hope. Check on Emma beforehand. Ask Snow to bring Hope over instead. Tell Hope about what had happened. Bring Hope to Emma. Going through steps one at a time was the only way his brain could process that life had to move forward. Having jobs to do was the only thing keeping him from retreating to his darkened bedroom. He felt the weight of the last day beginning to crush him, as he frantically searched for the next move. Then suddenly it hit him. It was obvious. And terrifying. And heart-breaking. And honestly, he'd known it had to be done since waking up that morning.

"Killian?" Snow looked over at him from across the table, a look of concern marring her features. He looked down at the steaming mug of hot chocolate before him. Reaching into his pocket, he produced his flask of rum. Much to his mother-in-law's concern, Killian poured a larger-than-advisable quantity into the drink.

"I know what I have to do next." Killian winced as he took a gulp of his drink, hardly feeling the burn left by the heat and the alcohol.

"Killian, you don't have to do anything right n-" Snow reached over and squeezed his hand as it grasped the mug.

"I have to call Henry." Killian looked up at Snow, as fresh tears threatened to fall. "I have to tell the lad about…it. About her."

"Oh, I could call him if you'd prefer." Snow wiped a tear from her cheek as she imagined her grandson hearing the tragic news. Killian considered Snow's suggestion for a moment. The idea of not having to hear his step-son's reaction did fill him with a little relief. However, he wanted to hear his voice. Wanted to provide any comfort that he could to the boy who meant so much to him. The boy who he saw as his son.

"Thanks, but, I need to do this." Killian attempted something akin to a smile. He downed the rest of his drink, hoping to gain some courage for what was to come.

"Ok. Send him my love." Snow sighed as she watched the broken pirate stand on shaky legs. He gave her a curt nod before heading towards the backyard. Once there he shut the door and sat down on the steps of the house. It only occurred to him then about the 5 hour time difference. Henry, having followed his family's sense of adventure, had packed up and gone to study English at a university in England. They were ahead over there so Henry would be into his afternoon by now. He hit the speed dial for Henry and waited. The ringing was not helping his nerves. He was tempted to just hang up. To protect at least one member of his family from this. But he knew that that would be the coward's way out. And sooner or later Henry would have to find out. It would only get harder the longer the wound was left unanswered.

" _Hi, Killian. What's up?_ " Henry's voice was as chirpy as it usually was when they spoke.

"Hi, Henry." Killian tried to prevent his voice from wavering, but it was impossible.

" _Killian, what's happened?_ " Worry was evident in Henry's reply, his care-free tone lost in moments.

"Something has…ha-happened, lad." Killian managed to choke out before a sob overcame him.

" _What is it? Is everyone ok? Is it Mom? Hope? Oh please tell me Hope's ok._ " Henry became frantic and Killian could hear him pacing over the phone.

"Henry." Killian spoke quieter than the boy on the other end, but he still managed to be heard. The teenager held his breath as he waited for an answer. "Hope's fine. Your mother…she…well she will be. I had to take her to the hospital last night."

" _What? Why?_ " Henry demanded down the phone, feeling overwhelming concern for his mom.

"She was having pains. It was the baby." Killian heard Henry's sharp intake of breath at the mention of his unborn sibling. "Henry, the baby didn't survive."

" _The baby died…_ " Henry stuttered out, much quieter than before. Killian shut his eyes at the words. He hadn't used the word 'died', not out loud, and he hadn't heard it either. Until now.

"She did." Killian breathed out after a few seconds of silence.

" _She_?" Henry whispered as if it were a secret. The gender of a baby who no-one would ever get to meet. " _How's mom? Can I speak to her?_ "

"She's…" Killian had no idea how to answer Henry's first question, so he moved on. "She's with Hope at the moment. I'm sure she'd love to hear your voice though."

" _I…_ " Henry trailed off as multiple footsteps could be heard, echoing through what Killian assumed was a corridor. " _My class just got let out. I left my stuff in there. I should probably go…_ " He sounded extremely reluctant to end the phone call.

"If you're sure, lad." Killian didn't want his step-son to go either, but he knew he had to let him. It was a lot for someone to process. All he wanted to do was have Henry here so that he could comfort him. He hated that he was alone in all of this. "We'll talk later. You can speak to your mother as well. And Hope."

" _Ok, yeah. My lecturer just came out. I'll speak to you later._ " The line went quiet and Killian thought that Henry had hung up. He was just about to do the same when he heard a ragged cough. " _I'm so sorry, Killian. I can't…"_

"Aye, lad. I know." Killian felt a few tears once again fall down his cheeks as Henry's voice truly disappeared. He put his head in his hands as he let the emotional phone call replay in his mind. He knew he had to pull himself together. Be there for Emma and his daughter. If he fell apart, he was certain his family would also. This family that he'd thought so hard to get, and he treasured more than anything. He was meant to protect them, to shield them from pain. This tragedy proved once again that, no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't prevent bad things from happening to them. All he could do was ease their pain. He just wished he knew how. He allowed himself a few minutes of solitude, allowing his own pain to take over momentarily. After which, Killian dried his tears and returned to the house. He saw Snow vigorously cleaning the downstairs, trying to be helpful in any way that she could. He understood that. He left his mother-in-law to it and went in his search of his two girls.

"Love?" Killian leant against the guest room doorway, watching his wife cry as she held their sleeping daughter.

"She's asleep." Emma whispered, not taking her eyes off of her daughter. Killian entered the room gingerly so as not to disturb his princess.

"She's so precious." Killian ran his hand over Hope's head, savouring the feel of her soft curls falling through his fingertips. Emma bit her lip as she nodded. The hole in her heart caused by losing her child was like a physical pain. And it refused to be ignored. "Should I take her to her room?"

"No." Emma refused a little too loudly for a woman with a sleeping child on her chest. Thankfully the little girl was obviously exhausted and didn't even stir from her mother's outburst. "Not yet."

"Of course, love." Killian understood as he laid himself out over the covers. Emma had been forced to let go of one baby last night. A baby she would never be able to hold again. She wanted, no needed, to have a child in her arms. And no-one was going to make her let go of this one.


	3. Chapter 3

Killian sat at the kitchen table staring at the pages in front of him. The words were starting to blend together under his tired gaze. This didn't matter much, however, as he had read every word more then he could say. He had always been meticulous when it came to important documents, something driven into him in the Navy. And these documents, well they were of extreme importance.

He had stayed in the bed with his two girls, until his wife also lost her battle to sleep. Killian had once again been gripped by the urge to do something, anything. So, after Snow had left to take care of Neal, he had gone in search of the next step. A journey that led him to the Emma's laptop, and ultimately led him here.

His mind was reeling as he read over the birth registration form once again. Every section was filled out apart from the only field that really mattered; the baby's name. He and Emma had started discussing names, but they had been in the stages of just suggesting any one that popped into their heads. Killian knew that he couldn't make that decision without her, as much as he'd been hoping to keep her from this painful process. He took a deep breath as he pushed that form aside, reluctantly picking up the next one. The registration for the death certificate. He'd read only the title when tears appeared in his eyes. The emotion began to choke him. Killian reached out and downed the tumbler of rum. He then proceeded to refill the glass with a shaking hand. He was sure the alcohol was the only thing enabling him to do this. The numbness crept into his brain as he reached for the page. With each word that he read, each section that he filled in, the pit in his stomach grew deeper. The chasm in his chest grew emptier.

Killian flinched as a small hand touched his thigh. He looked into his daughter's wide blue eyes, and bit the inside of his cheek to keep the tears at bay.

"Daddy, what you doing?" Hope went to clamber onto her father's lap, her curious nature making her eager to sneak a glance. Before she could do, Killian scooped the toddler into his arms and carried her over to the couch. He sat down with Hope on his lap. She crossed her arms and her lips went into a pout. "I asked you, Daddy."

"I know, Princess." Killian sighed, cupping the child's cheek with his hand. "I've just got some work to do, grown-up stuff."

"I help?" The sweet question lifted Killian's spirits slightly, even as it drew his mind to his abandoned task.

"Not right now, lass. Thank you for offering though." Killian pressed a kiss to each of his daughter's cheeks. For a moment he just sat there in silence, breathing in her unique smell. "How's Mommy?"

"She asleep." Hope clambered off of her father to sit next to him instead. "That ok?"

"Aye, Princess, let her rest." He was glad that his wife was allowing her body to take the rest it badly needed. He knew that they would have to talk about what happened, about what was next. However Killian would gladly put off that discussion for as long as possible, especially for Emma's wellbeing.

"Can I watch TV?" Hope asked quietly, as if scared of her father's reaction. Killian simply nodded as he turned on Netflix Kids, before handing his daughter the remote.

"Daddy will just be in here, ok?" The pirate slowly walked back into the kitchen. His heart was getting heavier with each step away from his little girl. He sat down as some overly-cheery cartoon started to play from the TV. He tried to complete the morbid form, but the soundtrack from the lounge made it too hard. How was he supposed to register a baby's death with children's entertainment in the background? Frustrated, Killian slammed his hook down onto the table. Hope gasped and looked his way at the loud sound, her eyes wide. Before Killian could re-assure her, his wife jumped in.

"Don't worry, sweetie." Emma's voice was hoarse from emotion and underuse. "Daddy's going to be fine."

"Swan, you shouldn't be out of bed." Killian admonished as he walked over to her. He held out a hand, but she batted it away. Her steps were slow and painful. Emma felt herself go dizzy and grabbed onto the back on the couch. "Emma, please." Killian used his arm to steady her and, although there was flinching, she didn't pull away.

"Ok." Emma sighed as she looked into her husband's eyes. His pupils were swimming in deep blue depths of anguish and heartache. She rested her cheek against his chest as his arm moved to pull her against him. She closed her eyes and breathed him in. The smell of rum filled her nostrils, as it often did with her pirate, but overwhelming so. Her eyes flickered open and fell on the almost empty bottle of rum. The bottle of rum that her father had bought Killian as a congratulations on this pregnancy. That he was planning to save till after the baby was born. Her breath stuttered as she supposed that this was the closest they'd ever get to that. Her husband was self-medicating his pain with alcohol, as he used to before he had a family. Before he had her. She couldn't think of anything to say. This pain was like one she'd never felt before, and she was certain for him it was the same. They'd have to address this at some point, along with everything else. For now, though, Emma simply nuzzled impossibly closer into the embrace. Killian's shirt started to dampen from tears that didn't even announce their arrival. His hand started to rub up and down her back as he made soothing sounds into her hair.

"Mommy?" Hope's voice invoked Emma to lift her head so that she could see her. "Don't cry." The sweet words actually had the opposite effect, as water flooded down her cheeks. However, she managed a smile as she extracted herself from her husband's arms. Killian still kept a hold on her as she made her way round to sit down next to her daughter. Hope immediately nestled against her mother.

"I'm sorry, sweetie. Mommy will try not to." Emma whispered into her daughter's curls. Killian sat down on the opposite end of the couch, staring at his two girls. His mind was whirring faster and faster, urging him to do something.

"Can I get you anything, love?" Killian tried to keep the desperation from his voice. Emma just shook her head. He started to tap his fingers against his thigh in agitation. He needed to do something. His pain was starting to slip into every crack of his mind. "Water. You should keep hydrated." Without waiting for a response, Killian removed himself to fetch his love a glass of water. Emma started after her husband in concern.

"Mommy?" Hope turned her mother's face so that it was directly in front of her own. "Can ask someting?"

"Of course, sweetie. You know you can ask mommy or daddy anything." Emma smiled as she tucked a curl behind her daughter's ear.

"Promise it won't make you more sad." Hope's defiant tone almost made Emma laugh. Almost.

"Well I need to know what it is first, baby." Emma tried to fight of the feeling of dread rising within her.

"I guess…" Hope sighed and bit her lip. The young girl's face scrunched up adorably in thought. She seemed to come to a decision as she clambered to sit directly in her mother's lap. "You know the baby… what she called?" Emma head her husband's sharp gasp from the entryway, where he had been listening to their exchange.

"Well… mommy and daddy haven't decided yet." Emma swallowed past the lump in her throat. She honestly hadn't even thought about a name for her lost baby girl yet. Now it seemed like the most important thing. Her daughter deserved a name, something of her own. Killian set the glass down on the coffee table. Emma found his eyes and pleaded with him to join them. They needed to do this as a family.

"How do you de-de…" Hope looked between her parents when her father sat beside them.

"Decide? Well we tell each other names that we like and if we both really like one then that will be it." Emma leaned into her husband's side, gaining strength from having him there.

"So you like Hope." The young girl gestured to herself to aid her point.

"Aye, lass." Killian laid his arm around his wife's shoulders as he took his daughter's hand in his own. "And we both like Leia." He supplied his daughter's middle name as another example.

"You'll call her Leia?" Hope asked in confusion.

"No, lass that's part of your name." Killian smiled as he imagined that they were having this conversation a few days ago. The prospect of naming a daughter who would grow was still a possibility then.

"I don't mind." The little girl hastily replied. "I wanna help."

"You don't have to give up your name to do so lass." Killian tightened his hold on his wife as her weight became heavier against him. He could see her fighting to keep her eyes open, but decided not to comment. He wouldn't blame her for not wanting to leave this moment with their daughter; especially for a world made up of solely her own thoughts.

"What names you like?" Hope asked as she shuffled over to her father's lap. Emma, now free of the toddler, shifted further into his side. He could feel his wife tense as she waited for his answer.

"Um… well… I…" Killian stuttered out as he attempted to get his emotions under control. He did have an idea. A name that he'd been toying with for a couple of weeks now. A name he hadn't mentioned to Emma as he didn't want her to dismiss it. A name that seemed to hold even more importance now. His wife threaded her fingers through his own. Taking from that what he needed, Killian took a deep breath in. "I was thinking of Alice… after my mother."

"Your mommy?" Hope questioned slowly as she held her father's gaze. At Killian's nod, a wide smile broke across her face. "That's really pretty."

"I'm glad you approve, princess." The pirate tried not to frown at the feel of fresh tears wetting his t-shirt. He shot a glance down at his wife who had buried into his side. Her blonde waves had fallen as to shield her face from onlookers; so luckily their daughter was none the wiser. "I think mommy is falling asleep. I'm going to take her back to bed." Killian handed Hope the TV remote before picking up his wife in his arms. "Come on, love, let's sail away."

His wife's body started to shake as he placed her down on the bed in the guest room. "Oh, Emma." He lay down beside her and brought her back into his arms.

"It-it's perfect." Emma stuttered as her tears began to lessen. "Naming her after y-your mom."

"I just thought…" Killian finally allowed his own tears to fall for the first time during this conversation. "That would mean she'd have someone. To look out for her."

"I'd like that." Emma sniffled quietly. "What about Ruth? For a middle name?"

"After David's mother." Killian pulled back slightly to look into his true love's eyes. His heart clenched at the pain he saw there, but there was something else. Something small. Something akin to hope.

"I've been thinking about it anyway, but hearing you say that. She'd have two people to care for her." Emma clasped her husband's hand and brought it up to rest on her heart.

"Alice Ruth Swan-Jones." Killian tried the name out on his lips. "A name befitting of a beautiful pirate princess." Emma felt a sob escape before she could stop it. It really was the perfect name for their little girl. She wanted to say it every day. She wanted to write it on her door in colourful block letters. She wanted to stitch it into her gym clothes so they wouldn't get mixed up with other children's. There was so much that this name could mean, that it didn't. However it was their daughter. Their daughter that they loved and cherished even though they would never properly meet. All the parents could hope for was that this name wouldn't always hold such unrelenting pain and sadness.

#

The next couple of days were a blur for Emma. She spent most of the time in bed, drifting in and out of sleep. Her dreams were either filled with hopeful longing of a life with both of her daughters, or were replays of the nightmarish event. She had one where she was given simple tasks to complete in order to save her baby girl, but she never quite managed to succeed in time. Emma didn't know which was worse; the vivid nightmares or the cruel reality that she faced when she awoke.

Today she had her answer. Real life was far worse than anything her unconscious mind could conjure up. The sounds of her family moving about the house told her that she should probably get up. But she couldn't bring herself to. Maybe, if she lay there forever then this day would never have to come. It would just pass them by, like any other day. Too soon, her door was being opened slowly.

"Emma?" Killian stared at his wife in concern. He didn't know how he was going to deal with today, let alone Emma. He wanted to crawl back into bed with her, and shelter them both from what was to come. "Sweetheart, your father is going to take Hope to Granny's now. She won't leave without seeing you first." The parents had both agreed that Hope shouldn't be at the funeral, so Granny was going to look after her until the wake.

"Coming." Emma mumbled, but made no move to actually get up. Killian made his way over to her and stroked her cheek.

"I know today is going to be unbelievably hard, love. Just know that I'm going to be here with you, every step of the way." Killian folded the covers at the foot of the bed, then put his arms around his wife. He lifted her onto her feet and, when he was certain that she was stable enough, they walked from the room.

"Mommy!" Hope jumped up from her grandma's lap at her parents' entrance. The toddler held her arms up to Emma in a request to be lifted. Before she could bend down, however, Killian was already sweeping their daughter off of the floor. Emma knew he was doing it to help her, but that didn't stop irritation from swelling up inside of her. She was ready to demand for a hold of her daughter, when her husband placed Hope into her arms.

"Hi sweetie." Emma breathed in her baby girl.

"I don't want to go." Hope whispered into her mother's neck.

"I know, baby, I know." Emma didn't know what else to say. She didn't want her little girl to go either, but she'd already scarred Hope enough during these events. Emma couldn't subject her baby to any more pain. So she simply rubbed her hand soothingly up Hope's back.

"You're going to have fun with Granny though. She said if you're good, she might even make her special brownies with you!" Killian turned his daughter's face so that she was looking at him. Emma didn't know where he found the enthusiasm which was currently in his voice. Or she did, but didn't have the energy to dwell on it.

"Really?" Hope's eyes lit up as any toddlers did at the mention of cakes.

"It's true, princess." David nodded as he shrugged his jacket on, ready to leave. "Speaking of which, Granny's expecting you. We better go."

"Bye, Mommy." Hope's excitement dulled slightly as she placed her hands on her mother's cheeks. "I love you."

"I love you, too, sweetie." Emma willed the tears away from her eyes, knowing that Hope would refuse to go if she saw them. David took Hope from Emma's arms, and she was overcome by a feeling of emptiness. Killian said his goodbyes to their daughter before seeing them out.

"Let's go get dressed." Snow led her daughter back into the guest bedroom. Emma turned just in time to see her husband searching the kitchen cupboards.

#

David had suggested planting a tree in the baby's memory, so they would be able to watch it grow through the years. Emma had sobbed when he'd first brought it up. She'd worried that a constant reminder would be too painful. However, Emma now saw the beauty in her daughter having a living tribute. The Charming's farm was the perfect place to plant it.

Emma clung tightly to Killian as her father went about distributing the earth and the seeds. Tears were constantly streaming down her cheeks, cancelling out her husband's dry ones. Killian's devastation was evident in every line of his face. He whispered gently shushes into her hair whenever her cries became vocal.

Henry stood with an arm through Regina's, both of them regarding the scene with solemn faces. His heart was breaking for this little sister. The one that he'd never play with, or teach pranks to, or hide from their parents. It made him long to be reunited with Hope; they postponed their reunion in the knowledge that his sister would downright refuse to miss the memorial if Henry was going.

Snow's heart broke in two at seeing the people she loved in so much pain. Keeping her eyes on her daughter and son-in-law, she couldn't help but imagine another little granddaughter; this time with hair like her father's and eyes like her mother's.

Regina used her magic to conjure a small plaque in front of where the seeds had been planted. It simply held the baby's name ' **Alice Ruth Swan-Jones** '.

No-one knew how long the grieving party stayed. No words were spoken, only tears shed.

#

"Henry!" Hope squealed as soon as the family entered Granny's; which the proprietor had closed for normal business for the day. The toddler ran full pelt towards her older brother.

"Hey, Hope." Henry caught his little sister in his arms and hugged her tight. He always missed Hope while he was away, but since finding out about the tragic event he had yearned for her.

"I miss you." Hope planted a big slobbering kiss on Henry's cheek, causing the lad to laugh a little. It was truly astounding what a ray of light she was.

"I missed you too, trouble." Henry tickled Hope between her ribs, causing the girl to squeal in delight. The few gathered in the diner were also warmed by the youngster's carefree tones. Regina went to get them some drinks while Henry continued to dote on his sister. Hope wriggled in his arms as she attempted to avoid his tickling hand.

The bell above the door rang out, announcing the arrival of the mournful parents. Emma immediately be-lined for the back booth, as Killian did the same towards the counter.

"Mommy?" Hope gasped and scrambled from Henry's grasp. Her brother allowed her to go, knowing his mom needed her daughter more than he did. Emma attempted a smile as her youngest climbed into the booth next to her. The blonde raised her arm slightly and Hope curled against her mother's side.

"Hi, sweetie." Emma pressed a kiss to her daughter's forehead; her lips lingering as she breathed in her scent. Hope was much more subdued now that she was with her mother. The young girl could feel the sadness coming from Emma in waves, and it made her sad too.

Killian joined his girls in the booth long enough to pass his wife her tea and swallow his measure of rum. Emma winced as her husband stood not ten minutes after sitting down, claiming that he needed a refill.

#

Killian Jones could hold his liquor. After centuries of pirating, one's liver gets used to the abuse. So he couldn't quite understand why he was having to grasp the sink in the men's bathroom to keep himself upright. It could only be down to the emotional turmoil he was feeling.

He had to get it together. For Emma, for Hope, for everyone. After splashing water in his face a few times, he didn't feel any better. But Killian Jones wasn't some teenager drunk for the first time. He knew how to handle himself. Surely.

Making his way back to the counter, Killian gestured for another large measure. The young bartender eyed him nervously; clearly thinking he'd had more than enough, but not wanting to deny Captain Hook. The lad had already given him more than was advisable, seeing as the man had recently lost a child.

"Hurry up, boy." Killian bit out, making sure to flash his hook in the waiter's vision.

"I…um…er…I just…"

"I'll take it from here." Granny saved the young boy from his flustered stuttering. The bartender smiled gratefully, before scurrying off into the kitchen.

"That lad's incompetent." Killian sighed as he held onto the counter to stop himself from swaying. He used his hook to nudge his empty tumbler towards the woman. "Now, if you'd be so kind…"

"I think you've had enough, don't you?" Granny too rested her hands on the bar, taking in the inebriated man in front of her. She felt for him. She knew that he was in pain, but she also knew that alcohol wasn't the answer.

"No, I don't." Killian's glazed-over eyes suddenly flashed with frustration. "So either you give me what I have requested, or I shall serve meself." Granny crossed her arms across her chest and gave him a stern stare in response. "Right you are then." Killian went to lean across the bar, intent on pilfering a bottle of rum, as he had done many times before. This time, however, his feet tripped over each other and threw him off balance. Stools clattered loudly as the pirate fell to the floor. The diner's occupants turned at the commotion.

"Killian." Emma breathed out at the sight of her husband, drunk and on the floor. Hope, who had been asleep in her lap, now looked around with wide eyes. Killian let out a strained barking laugh as he managed to pull himself to his feet.

"Daddy?" Hope's voice was small when she too noticed her father.

"What you all looking at, ay?" Killian turned to find his family and friends all staring at him with slack jaws.

"Why don't we step outside, mate?" David approached his son-in-law, attempting to placate him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Gladly, just let me grab some libations for the journey." Killian turned to once again reach for the rum behind the counter. His brow furrowed when he saw that Granny had clearly removed it from reach.

"You've had enough, Killian. Let's get some fresh air." David tightened his hold on his friend and turned them towards the door.

"Enough?" Killian shrugged him off, stumbling backwards slightly. "I'm Captain Hook. No amount of rum is ever enough. Isn't that right, Swan?" Emma shook her head as hot tears spilled down her cheeks.

"You upsetting Mommy." Hope glared at her father.

"No I'm not, princess. You know Daddy would never upset Mommy." Killian went to kneel down in front of the booth, but the movement made his head spin. He settled on resting a hand on the table. Hope began to cry at how her father was behaving. "Oh don't cry, Hope, come here." Killian opened his arms to embrace his daughter. Hope turned away and buried deep into her mother's embrace. "What is it, darling?"

"It's you." Emma whispered as she rubbed her toddler's back. She knew that her husband was hurting badly, they all were. It didn't make this any easier to experience; in fact, it made it worse. "I think…I think you should go."

"Emma, don't-" Killian reached for his wife, wanting to console her. The look she shot him was enough to make him withdraw his hook.

"I'm going…" Emma held Hope tight to her chest as she made to stand from the booth. Thankfully Killian moved back enough to allow her to do this. "I'm going to take our daughter home."

"Fine, right you are Swan, let's go." Killian rested his hand on Hope's back, an action he did almost on instinct now. The little girl shook her head into her mother's neck.

"No, I…" Emma closed her eyes and let out a shuddering breath. "I'm t-taking her. Alone." With that, Emma left the diner with her shaking daughter. Both of them in floods of tears.

"Emma!" Killian went to go after them, but was stopped by David's hand on his chest. "What's your problem, mate?"

"My problem, mate, is that you are drunk and managed to hurt your family even more than they already were." David bit out, deciding that the softer touch was no longer going to work. Killian shook his head at the notion, even as tears burned his eyes for the first time that day. "Let's go sober up, ay?" The prince was finally successful in leading his son-in-law outside, through the back door.

The two men walked slowly through the quiet streets of Storybrooke. Killian silent almost the entire time. David took the time to really look at his friend. At the dark circles under his eyes, the weariness etched into his face, the devastation in the slump of his shoulders. The man was hurting more than David had ever seen him hurt before, and he'd be damned if he let any member of his family feel this way. At least not alone.


	4. Chapter 4

Killian Jones awoke to a bucket of ice cold sea water being tossed over his head.

"What the-" Killian spluttered as he rubbed a hand through his wet hair.

"Morning." David spoke much louder than needed, causing his son-in-law to groan.

"Was that really necessary mate?" Killian attempted to push himself into a siting position, only now clocking that he was lying on an uneven wooden floor. Blinking his eyes, the numerous hammocks hanging above him came into view. They were on a ship. They were on his ship.

"I figured you'd need a bit of persuasion to join the world this morning." David held out his hand to help the pirate up. Killian's head protested the movement, but he managed to stand all the same. "Sleep well?"

"You just found me passed out on the floor. What do you think, mate?" Killian growled as he arched his back to rid himself of the aches.

"Don't blame me. When I left you, you were lying comfortably in one of these hammocks." David turned to leave the crew's quarters, Killian following sluggishly. "I took the captain's bed. Well I knew you would have offered it if you had had any of your wits about you."

"At least one of us is well-rested." Killian mumbled as he climbed up to the main deck. He was tempted to hint about the sorts of activities Emma and he had got up to in that bed over the years, but refrained from doing so. Instead, Killian moved to leave the ship.

"Where are you, going?" David stepped in front of his son-in-law, holding out a to-go coffee from Granny's.

"Home. To see my wife and daughter." Killian snatched the coffee from David.

"And what do you plan on saying to them after yesterday?" David felt a pang of sympathy as the other man's face fell. Killian hadn't really thought about how he ended up hungover on the Jolly Roger with David; he'd expected another night at The Rabbit Hole had gotten slightly out of hand. Now the memories of his drunken exploits came flooding back. The baby's funeral tree planting. The excessive amount of rum. Falling on the floor. His daughter's cries. His wife leaving distraught.

"You're right." Killian grasped the ship's edge with his hook. He took a long sip of the lukewarm coffee. "I doubt they want to see me at all."

"I didn't mean that." David moved to lean next to his friend. "Of course they'll want to see you. I was simply saying that you need to be thinking clearly before you do that." Killian nodded his head as he continued to drink his coffee. He was filled with shame at the pain he had caused his girls. He didn't know if they would ever forgive him. He knew that he could never forgive himself.

#

Emma hated falling asleep on the couch. It was a habit from her bails bondsperson days, where she would arrive home so exhausted that even making it to her bed seemed too much effort. She'd gotten pretty good at curbing it since moving to Storybrooke. Apart from when Killian wasn't there. Whether it was because he was trapped in the Underworld, stuck in another realm, or crashing on the Jolly Roger; it didn't matter. Emma was unable to contemplate sleeping in their bed alone. Which was why she was currently rolling her neck to work out any kinks gained from a night on the couch.

The TV flickered in distress at being left on pause all night. Emma sighed as she lowered her hand in search of the remote. From what she could tell it was still pretty early, and Hope hadn't woken up yet, so she may as well continue where she left off. The image on screen came to life as soon as Emma pressed the button.

 _"And here lies the most beautiful little princess in all the realms."_ Killian's voiceover came through the television, clearly from behind the camera. Snow had introduced Killian to the wonders of video cameras a few years back, and the pirate had gotten hooked (pun intended). On screen was a tiny baby Hope asleep in her bassinet on their bed. _"She has finally decided to go to sleep. Which we are most thankful for. Isn't that right, Swan?"_ The camera then shifted to show Emma lying on her side of the bed with her eyes closed. _"Looks like both fair maidens have been claimed by sleep."_

 _"Why don't you stop talking and join us then?"_ Emma mumbled in the video, not even opening her eyes.

 _"Aye, love."_ Killian's chuckle came through loudly before the video ended. Emma planned on stopping it there, but she wasn't quick enough. The next shot made her choke on the lump in her throat. The on-screen Emma was cradling baby Hope against her chest, watching as she fed. _"There's no sight more wonderful in all of the realms and seas."_ The awe in Killian's voice was overwhelming.

 _"I know."_ The blonde lifted up her free hand to stroke Hope's chubby cheek. Emma smiled softly as she watched the moment from her past. She remembered when her daughter was still young enough to be breastfed. The quiet hours they spent together in that rocking chair meant the world to her. It was a bond she never got to establish with Henry. The tears began to fall when she realised this was another thing that she would have done with Alice. The mother would have once again experienced the wonder of bringing and sustaining your child's life. Emma would never breastfeed again, as she knew that she would not have any more children. She just couldn't.

 _"You're amazing, Emma. Bloody amazing."_ Killian held the video camera out so that he too entered the screen. The couple shared a sweet kiss before returning their gazes to the sweet angel feeding contently. The man on the television looked so different to the man Emma had encountered yesterday. He seemed so much younger, a lightness about him that Emma yearned to view again. She wondered if they could ever get back to the two people on screen. Sadly, she doubted it. Emma just hoped that this wouldn't completely break them. That she hadn't lost her husband. That Hope hadn't lost her father.

Suddenly Emma needed to leave. She needed to clear her head. Her thoughts were beginning to spiral down a path where she didn't want to venture. Whenever this happened, Killian was always there to hold her and ease her worries. Except this time. So Emma did what Emma does best. She ran.

#

Killian took a deep breath before climbing up the steps to his front door. He still didn't think that Emma would want to see him after what had happened, but David had insisted. His father-in-law gave him a firm clasp on his shoulder as they entered the house. The downstairs was empty and eerily quiet. A bright light cast from the TV, causing dark shadows to form up the walls.

"Emma?" Killian called out into the house. The door to the guest room opened and Killian went to greet his wife. He stopped in his tracks when his mother-in-law came into view instead.

"Killian." Snow breathed out, holding a hand over her heart. Killian suddenly felt nervous. David had been very understanding, too understanding in his eyes. Snow might not be as forgiving.

"I…" Killian scratched behind his ear and ducked his head. Before he could work out what to say, Snow engulfed him in a hug. The kind nature of his in-laws never failed to surprise him; their forgiveness seemed to know no bounds.

"I think Emma's upstairs." Snow pulled away from the embrace and went to greet her husband. Killian nodded his thanks and headed upstairs.

Their bed was completely untouched, not having been slept in since the tragic event. Killian wasn't surprised; he knew that his wife had trouble sleeping in their bed alone. He moved down the hall to check his daughter's room. Hope was lying on her bed with her back to the door. He could tell by her breathing that she wasn't asleep.

"Princess?" Killian winced when he saw his daughter's back stiffen. He couldn't explain how ashamed he felt about what he'd put Hope through. It was proving difficult to recall what he'd done exactly. Hope's teary eyes and blotchy cheeks were clear in his mind though. "I'm so sorry about yesterday. I know I upset you and it…" He took a shaky breath against the threat of tears. "It breaks my heart to know that." There was a rustle of covers as the body on the bed turned to face him. The blue eyes showed how tired she was. Killian doubted that she'd slept much at all.

"I want mommy." Hope sniffled and rubbed her eyes with her small fists.

"Me too." Killian was worried about Emma, as it was clear that she wasn't there. Although he had an idea as to where she was. "Will you come with Daddy to go find her?"

"Are you still being bad?" Hope eyed her father's outstretched hand. She wanted to go with him more than anything, but she didn't like the person he was the previous day.

"No, little love." Killian choked out. His daughter had never been so unsure around him before. And it was all his fault. "I vow never to act that way again. Daddy was just sad and he let that turn him into someone he didn't want to be. I'm back to my usual self now though."

"Pwomise?" Hope sat up in bed, clutching her baby blanket to her chest.

"Promise." Killian had barely gotten the word out before his daughter flung herself into his arms. The pirate wasn't sure whether he wanted to laugh or cry. He simply clutched his little girl to his chest and breathed in the smell of her hair. "I love you, my princess."

"Love you… too." Hope yawned into her dad's neck. It wouldn't be long till Hope finally allowed herself to fall asleep, now that she wasn't worried about her father anymore.

"Come on. Let's go find Mommy." Killian used his hook to wrap the baby blanket tighter around the toddler. He then descended the stairs with his baby girl safe in his arms.

"Regina just called us. She and Henry stayed at ours with Neal last night." David explained when his son-in-law came into view. The prince was glad to see that his friend looked more relaxed already. "She wanted us to know that-"

"That Emma's there." Killian interrupted with what he already knew. He knew his wife better than anyone. His beautiful Swan had always been an open book to him.

#

The air was still wet with morning dew, the freshness threatening to sting any exposed skin. The fields on the farm seemed to shimmer where the early sun rays hit the damp grass. Killian didn't take any notice though. His eyes were solely focused on the blonde sitting alone on a bench. Even from behind, her sorrow could easily be felt. Killian faltered as he approached; he was still unsure of what to say. Before he could figure it out, his wife beat him to it.

"Regina's enchanted the seeds. The tree will begin to visibly grow on December 17th." Emma didn't turn around, keeping her eyes locked on her baby girl's plaque. Killian didn't need to ask the significance of that date, it had been etched into his internal calendar for months. It had been the baby's due date. "It'll grow faster than most trees. Cause you can't see most grow for years, not properly anyway. I like that. I like that we've made it special...for her."

"Emma..." Killian took a step forward, so that he was almost in line with the bench. A gust of wind made him rearrange the blanket around Hope, pulling her hat further down her head. The toddler had fallen asleep on the way over, clearly content now that she was back with her father.

"Why couldn't I save her?" Emma's quiet whisper thundered through Killian's mind. "I'm the Saviour. That's my job. My destiny. But I couldn't even keep my own baby alive while she was inside me." She finally turned to face Killian with red puffy eyes and a constant river of tears flowing down her cheeks. Seeing her husband cradling her daughter caused Emma to crumble further. "W-what g-g-good is b-being the the Saviour... I-if I c-can't even sa-save my o-own ch-ild.." Killian couldn't take it anymore. He moved to sit on the bench, manoeuvring Hope on his lap so he could bring Emma into his arms as well.

"I'm so sorry...for everything." Killian pressed his lips to his wife's forehead as she cried onto him. "For my behaviour last night and for this tragedy happening to you."

"What?" Emma leaned up so that she could see Killian's face. At his hesitant expression, she entwined their hands and squeezed. "Talk to me. Please."

"I failed you, Emma." Killian bit out as he aired his self-loathing thoughts. "I failed Hope, Henry... little Alice. I failed everyone."

"Killian, that's not-"

"It's true, love. I promised to protect you and our children. I told you that everything would be ok this time. You worried that it was testing fate, after everything with Hope, and I should have listened. But as usual, I pushed you into this. I'm so so sorry. It's... it's all my fault." Killian bent his head in shame and felt hot tears fall from his closed eyelids.

"Hey, look at me." Emma lifted her free hand to caress the hairs at the nape of his neck. She had never heard such pain in Killian's voice. It had been obvious that he was locking away his hurt, probably in an effort not to burden her. Didn't he realise that they could lean on each other? That they needed to lean on each other? He was always her rock, and Emma didn't how she'd have survived these years without him. But she could be his rock too. Right now her husband, her soulmate, needed her to bring him back from the darkness invading his thoughts. "If I can't blame myself for this, then neither can you. Do you think I'm to blame for this?"

"Emma." Killian let out an anguished gasp and whipped his head back up to look into his wife's eyes. "Of course not. I would never. It's not your fault, love..."

"Then neither is it yours." Emma laid her finger over his lips. She refused to allow him to do this to himself. "You need to stop feeling like everything bad that happens is on you." Killian was speechless. He regularly forgot that his wife could read him almost as well as he could her. "It's not fair to you. And it's not fair to us either."

"I apologise, love." Killian attempted to bow his head once more, but Emma's hand prevented him from doing so.

"No more apologies, alright?" Emma leaned her forehead against her husband's and they both closed their eyes. "What is it you and Dad always say about moments… that there's good and bad ones, and they're all worth living. We need to learn to treasure the quiet moments." Emma attempts Killian's accent on the last part, hoping it will lighten his spirits as it usually does. Thankfully her pirate's breathy laugh reached her ears.

"I bloody love you, Swan." Killian captures his wife's lips with his own; the gentleness of the kiss mimicking the renewed light inside of him. Emma melts into the embrace, feeling better than she has since the tragedy. Her heart still hurts, the same as Killian's, and it's an ache that will never truly vanish. But it is a pain that they will learn to live with.

A quiet giggle breaks through the trance that the couple were revelling in. Emma looks down to see her daughter, awake and watching them.

"Hi." Hope smiles sleepily and shimmies over to her mother's lap.

"Hi, baby." Emma immediately wraps her daughter up in her arms. They both let out content sighs at being together once again. The sounds heal Killian's heart just that little bit more. "You ok, sweetie?"

"Mmhmm." Hope hums her answer as she wriggles to get in a comfortable position to see both of her parents. "I am now." The toddler says matter-of-factly, obviously unaware of just how profound a statement that is; especially for a three-year-old. Emma presses a kiss into her daughter's waves, whilst maintaining eye contact with her husband.

"I'm glad to hear it, princess." Killian stares at Hope in awe, as he often does, not knowing how he created something so wonderful. He would be certain that she was all Emma, if not for the mischievous glint and smirk she sometimes coined which couldn't be from anyone but him.

Emma places Hope on the ground when she begins to wriggle around impatiently. The young girl takes off at a run in the direction of the house. Henry is waiting just outside to catch his little sister in his arms, spinning her around in circles. Their joyful laughs are carried on the wind back to the couple on the bench. Emma blinks back tears as she snuggles further into her husband's side.

"What is it, love?" Killian presses a kiss into her hair, happy to be able to properly wrap his arms around her.

"I just…" Emma turns her gaze from her two children to the one paid homage to in front of her. Acknowledging that Alice would never get the chance to play with her brother and sister made her breath catch painfully in her chest. She felt Killian's arms tighten around her, and she felt his comforting embrace all the way to her wounded heart. "We're going to be ok."

"Aye, love, I guarantee it." Killian was also looking at his youngest's name, written on a plaque which will soon mark a great tree. For the first time since they lost her, Killian truly believes that they can recover from this. Of course they will never forget their beautiful lost angel. There will always be a space in their hearts for her. But with the help of each other, and their family, the chasms in their chests will shrink down to a hole which won't cause them constant pain. They just had to hold onto Hope.


End file.
